The Mother Letter

A wonderful man started "The Mother Letter Project" as a gift for his wife this Christmas. I wanted to participate and here is the letter I wrote and submitted (Warning-it's long). It is an open letter to all mothers. If you are a mother, I encourage you to submit your own letter. Everyone who submits a letter before Christmas will get an electronic copy of all the Mother Letters (over 500!) What an amazing thing to share with future generations.

Thank you to all the mothers out there, especially to my own mommy. I love you very much! I'll write you your own letter one day, but I've already cried writing this one, so I'm all cried out for today. ;)

Dear Mother,
Do you know how fast time goes by when you are a mother? Scientifically it does not move any faster than before you had children, but it sure seems that way. Do you remember staying awake all night on Christmas Eve because you were too excited to sleep and you watched the clock tick so slowly you were sure the battery had died and time was standing still? Do you remember how long it used to take for summer vacation to come during the school year?

Growing up I couldn’t wait to be a mother. My youngest sister was born when I was six years old, so I had my own personal baby doll. Truth be told, she didn’t learn to walk or talk on time because I carried her everywhere and knew what each of her whines and grunts meant. We had our own secret sister language.

In high school everyone was focused on finding the career field they wanted to pursue after graduation. Me? I just wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. There’s no job fair for that position. I took home economics and cared for the “flour-bag baby”, but it’s not the same.

My middle sister got pregnant at 19 and once again I had my own "baby doll" to help take care of. I loved every minute of it.

Time still moved so slowly back then. When would I meet the man who would become my husband? When would I get to be a mother? Years went by and my heart ached for a child. I was sick of being single.

Finally I realized that I would never find my husband in the places I was looking. What my heart really ached for was God. He was calling me. I was finally done pushing Him away.

He gave me my husband in May of 2004. We wanted to wait at least a year before we started a family so we could have some “us” time before we were overrun with little ones. Time couldn’t have moved slower.

Finally we began trying. Each month came and went with no blue line on the pregnancy tests. I knew something was wrong. The thing I wanted most was not coming to pass. I couldn’t wait the whole year before seeing a doctor. She agreed to run a blood test on my hormone levels to placate me. “The test will come back normal, and then you’ll just have to wait to come see me after it’s been a year.” Then, two weeks later she called me at work. “I guess you found something.” I said. I was not producing any FSH hormone, therefore I was releasing no eggs. I had to have an MRI done to make sure I didn’t have a brain tumor that was affecting the gland responsible for the FSH hormone. The results would take another agonizing 2 weeks.

The good news: You do not have a brain tumor. The bad news: We don’t know why you aren’t releasing eggs. I made an appointment with a fertility specialist to go over our options. There was a long waiting list. I don’t do well with waiting as you can imagine.

In the meantime, we had been given the opportunity to go on a mission trip to Germany with our church. The scenery was beautiful, the food was wonderful, but the weather was humid and the enemy was attacking me. Everywhere I looked I saw mothers with their children. I tried to focus, but one night I just broke down crying. The women prayed over me and shared their experiences. I felt loved and comforted. The next day our pastor also prayed for me with his hand on my belly, asking for healing and a miracle.

Just a few days later was our free day to sightsee and shop. I realized the date and a voice inside me said to take a pregnancy test. I argued with myself to just wait until we were back home to take one. There’s that waiting thing again. I can’t wait. I have to know now! So I went to a drugstore and bought a pregnancy test. It was in German. I had two choices: Schwanger or Nicht Schwanger. I didn’t need to speak German to see two lines. This couldn’t be. I went right back to that drug store and bought another test. The checkout person gave me the funniest look. I put the second test in my backpack and went to take a nap. I was sure I was just hallucinating the second line because I wanted it so badly. I woke up and took the second test and it also showed two lines. I started crying. This time it was tears of joy. I told my husband and we were ecstatic. We got our miracle.

Joshua was born in March of 2006 followed by Rachel in March of 2008. Maybe we’ll try for one more in March of 2010 just to make things even.

Being a mother is everything I ever dreamed it would be. Even when it’s hard and I’m sleepwalking at the 3am feedings. Even when I’m scolding my two year old to stop being mean to his sister. I’m so grateful and blessed.

But then there’s that time thing again. It flies by at a rate I never imagined. I blink and my baby boy is reciting the alphabet. I blink and my baby girl is cruising around and babbling mama.

I’m one of the fortunate ones. I have the luxury (and it truly is a luxury) of being a stay-at-home mom. My dream finally came true. And I try not to forget it. I have my own home daycare that allows me to be home with my children every day, but I see the pain in the eyes of the mothers that leave their babies with me.

Time moves fast when you are a mother. So savor and appreciate every moment. Even the bad ones. Even the sad ones. Even the messy ones. Because for every moment you cherish with your kids, there are thousands who would give anything to have one more moment with the children they lost.

Love,
Kristina Bailey